I hate caring what people think. I hate that their opinions matter. I hate it because the truth is, they really don't matter. I know that. Yet I still let the opinions of others affect how I dress and sometimes even what I do.
Every day I stop and think about what I'm going wear not because I care but because I think of what others may think of what I wear. Is this too casual? that too fancy? Will this blend in with what others are wearing when I get where I'm going? Will I look like an idiot taking my dog for a walk in the yard wearing sweatpants and an old T-shirt? Ir would it look more stupid to take her for a walk wearing a nice shirt, slacks, and pumps?
It's crazy. I realize that it is actually crazy to care how I look while walking my dog. Knowing that doesn't stop me from caring though. well except that I don't really care. I just care of that others might care or notice or judge. and that's stupid. it's really stupid.
So the whole dog walking thing, that is the most extreme of extremes. On a more day to day level, it's about thinking whether something is okay for the grocery store, taking my kids to school, church, going to movies, any event I may go to or place I may go.
The sad thing is that I used to really not care at all what others thought. I was fine in my bluejeans, T-shirt and sneakers. I didn't start to care what people thought of my clothes until I was around 28 or 29 years old. I made it through high school not caring what people thought if me. I'm not sure if it's funny, ironic, or sad to make it through that tough time in life not caring about what others thought of my clothing only to begin caring at a time in life when most people are finally getting beyond that kind of thing.
I've been thinking about this a lot in the last few days. As I was getting dressed a couple days ago and hating everything in my closet it hit me that it was because I cared so much about what others would think. It's ridiculous. I don't care what others think of me when it comes to the important stuff.
When it comes to things like how I raise my kids, how we do things in my home, and my family, I don't care what anyone has to say. But open my closet suddenly matters.
As I said thank you about this last few days. Been wondering where this comes from. Like I said before, I never used to be this way. Does that have to do with the social anxiety? Is it because as I have gotten older I think deep down that I should care more? Is it because society as a whole seems to make a bigger deal out of fashion now than they used to?
I'm not sure the answer as to why. But there is one thing I'm sure of. I need to work on myself and to get myself to just stop caring what anybody else thinks. I need to go back to being that girl who was comfortable in her blue jeans, T-shirts and sneakers.